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Posted by glenhooks in Uncategorized.

Just in case you’ve missed it:  some feller named Bob Dylan is going to be playing down at Riverfest Amphitheatre tonight.  Maybe you heard of him?

We all know Bob’s music, but if you decipher the mumble he’s actually pretty dadgum funny.  Here’s a bunch of Bob’s jokes from his XM radio show (thanks to the folks at DemocraticUnderground.com for the list. )

 “I got a friend who’s learning to become a ballerina. She’s improving by leaps and bounds.”

“Getting married’s a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.”

“I once had a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.”

“You know, I sleep at the edge of the bed. It doesn’t take long for me to drop off.”

“Two dogs talking. One says to the other: `You’re crazy. You ought to go see a psychiatrist.’ The other dog says: `I’d love to, but I’m not allowed on the couch.”‘

“I was having dinner with our announcer, Pierre Mancini. The only difference between Pierre Mancini and a canoe is that sometimes a canoe will tip.”

“Take our engineer, Tex Carbone. He’s so laid back it takes him two hours to watch `60 Minutes.’ I’m the complete opposite. I can make Minute Rice in 30 seconds.”

“I just came back from a pleasure trip. Took my mother-in-law to the airport.”

“What do you do if you miss your mother-in-law? Reload, and try again.”

“All musicians get girls, but a guitarist always has his pick.”

“What’s the difference between a drummer and a savings bond? Eventually, a savings bond will mature and earn money.”

“They got a new `dial-a-prayer’ for atheists. You call it, and nobody answers.”

“A lot of people don’t celebrate Christmas. Like my buddy Dexter Quinn. He’s an atheist. You know what his favorite Christmas movie is? `Coincidence on 34th Street.”‘

“If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, why do so many girls get mad when you want to go to the ballpark? You tell me.”

“I gave a bald-headed friend of mine a comb. You know what he said to me? `I’ll never part with it.”‘

“My friend’s wife is a really bad cook. I broke a tooth on her coffee.”

“I was at a restaurant. I said to the waiter, `There’s a needle in my soup.’ He said, `I’m very sorry. It’s a typographical error. It’s supposed to be a noodle.”‘

“A cat has nine lives, but a bullfrog croaks every day.”

“If you think the sun is too hot, just remember, you don’t have to shovel it.”

“In Sweden, they have a system of higher taxes, but welfare for everyone. They call it the Swedish model. Well, I could go for a Swedish model right about now.”

“Here’s a tip on how you can save your money. Use somebody else’s.”

“He opened a restaurant on the moon. It had great food, people say, but no atmosphere.”

“My friend was happily married for 10 years. Too bad he was married for 30.”

“Every day in the United States, 200 new jail cells are constructed. I hope we can keep up!”

“A giraffe can go a long time without water. But he wants to see a menu right away.”

“I was having dinner the other day when the waiter came over. I said to him, `There’s a fly in my soup.’ And he said, `That’s very possible. The cook used to be a tailor.”‘

“Married men don’t live longer. It just seems longer.”



1. Shasta - August 27, 2008

I love Bob’s corny jokes! He’s the ultimate JOKERMAN!

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